When walking on stage

when walking on stage
in fact, just before that
i often have a feeling of being insecure - i mean, especially with a hall full of school children
i tend then to hold onto, ja, i am the HA!Man
i will do my usual thing
i will go on and show my insecurity
but even these thoughts does not help
and if i hold onto them
something fails
it's almost as if, in order to create in the moment
every conceivable thought needs to meet its opposite
and meeting its opposite, dissolves
so that the mind can relax
and you actually start feeling the moment
becoming aware of being physically present

it helps to draw on one's rebellious side
for instance, for me, this morning, to tell myself:
i will not be the HA!Man today
i will not be the success i was earlier

or - and this is where your irresponsible side needs to kick in -
"i will not be good today"
i will actually show them that i am not so good
will they kill me for that?
what can i loose?
can it really be that bad?

usually, these questions reveal a reality that needs not be feared
i mean, they can even chase me from the hall
or never invite me back again
but will it be the end of (my) world?
it wont
even if it means that i land up in the streets or in prison
will that REALLY be so bad?
i can live through that too

and so this inner dialogue starts to liberate me
from a mind that holds up an image to me
that i need to resemble
the image crumbles
and it is as if i wake up from a dream
i am just here
i feel my breath, i see what is around me
i walk on stage
i don't expect anything from myself
and at that point i start relating to what is in and around me

if i am tense, i relate to that, express it
or act it
if i feel drawn to play something really nice on the piano
i do that, even though this is a "bad beginning" for a hall full of school children

all of this is just another way to allow the unknown
not as a trick or an "idea"
but as a source of creativity

it boils down to this: that the nature of beginning is to be unknown
what is known only comes later
it always starts with the unknown -
well, that is, if you want to be creative

it is also not searching for the known IN the unknown,
like searching for an idea or an inspiration
it is not bringing the unknown into service of the known
no, it is BEING the unknown
being unknown
it is falling, sliding, letting go
it is going mad
it is getting high
it is surprising yourself in doing what you do not expect yourself to be doing

it is also not listening for a higher voice to speak, or something to be channeled through you
that still belongs to the realm of the known
it is simply: the NOT knowing.

it is dark
it is free

it is the moment of dying.

HA!Man 9 September 2015